I died

I’ve never been a fan of groups or cliques. In high school I was friends with everyone – the smart dorks, the popular kids, the rebels. A chameleon at heart, I am very adaptable and can move across social circles and cultures with ease.

and then I died

While I’ve never subscribed to any one group with gusto, I am now a living, breathing juxtaposition. In my eyes, the world is now separated into two clear groups – you’ve either had life-threatening cancer, or you haven’t. You either understand exactly what I’ve been through, or you’ll never have any true concept of it.

As of late, I find myself drawn to those that know what I’m going through. I recently listened to a short interview with Tracey Morgan about his life-threatening car crash wherein he was visited by his deceased father while in a coma, and I understood, with all of my heart, his experience of having come through something dark to appreciate and look at life with utterly new eyes. Morgan noted, “Something’s different. The way I am with people, something is different. I find myself saying 200 times a day, to strangers, ‘I love you’. I don’t even know you, but I love you.”

Having had the same emotions, I believe this love stems from the sudden awareness, even though I have long held this belief, that we are one. We are TRULY one – there is no separation of you and me. I find myself wanting to be around people who understand this on a spiritual level. This understanding doesn’t come from a lesson learned, or a book read. I’ve done all those things – I’ve read the books, I’ve listened to the gurus and teachers, I’ve watched the films and while I subscribed to the vision, I never felt it I the way I do now. I want to say it’s cellular, but it’s bigger than that. It is an innate knowing.

In the middle of my treatment, I remember telling a friend, ‘I feel like a newborn’. I had no idea when to sleep or when to wake. I didn’t know what food tasted like. I would enter each new day completely unaware of what would or wouldn’t happen. Would it be a good day? Will I walk today? Will I cry today? Will I be happy? I knew nothing and lived on a blank canvas day after day, simply lying in bed and watching air move through the trees. Jesus said you must die to be born again, and that what cancer did to me. I died. And maybe I’m still dying. I can’t quite tell.





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