YES, that is one helluva title because it’s been one helluva week.
Last Monday morning, I woke up at 3am sobbing over a terrible dream. As one who doesn’t often dream, it was a doozy. Then, I caught a cold and felt like crap for days. It’s Monday again. It’s been a week, and MAN I wish I could say I felt better.
This morning, I woke up with stomach-wrenching pain. At 5:20am, I woke up in fear. Fear that I won’t have enough money for winter. I’m not working much, I am immigrating my husband, no one has rented my apartment so I’m down a $6000 projection and I’m scared. Scared as hell that I won’t make it through/that I will fail him/that he will think I’m a failure/that he will be angry/that I made bad choices/that I planned poorly/scared that I’m not manifesting in a low vibration.
This feeling has been with me for several days and I’ve been working/crying/thinking/reiki-ing/praying to move past it/through it, but I just hit on something I want to catalog here for future.
Its not about pushing past the pain, we know that. If we have an injury, we allow time to heal. If we have pain from loosing someone, we lean on time to heal and soften us. So I’ve been sort of meditating-ish and hoping that the pain will go away. Angels, please…POOF….take this burden from me.
While I was journaling this morning, however, I wrote about the process of accepting this fear and pain and instead of pushing it out/aside/away, learning to love it. And walking through life, in love, while I’m in pain and fear. They need not be exclusive of each other. It is possible to be in deep pain, but still hold reverence for this life.
Joy and love are so very important for keeping vibrations high, too. We must keep vibrations UP in order to manifest abundance, health, peace, etc. They go hand in hand. I’ve struggled to do that the last few days because I just feel so sad. So heavy. But within the darkness of this cavern I’m in, there is a pinprick of light reminding me not to linger too long in the shadows.
So that’s one of the ‘tricks’ I will implement today. Do I feel good? Hell no – I just went to the bathroom for the fourth time this morning. I feel like shit, literally! But that doesn’t mean I can’t give thanks to the big, beautiful washing machines that are cleaning my clothes this morning. Or have love for the birds and leaves that are being poured on today. I can look out at the churning lake and be thankful to take part in beautiful nature. I can pay some bills with pleasure, because I HAVE ENOUGH at this moment.
So, a new process for me. Finding joy, love and lightness, grace – in whatever way I can – in EVERY MOMENT while I acknowledge the terror within. They can co-exist for now, as we all know love will prevail.
And if you have any tips for moving through fear OR you have a little winter writing job that needs doing, please do comment here.