It’s Not You, It’s Me

A little over 6 years ago, I dedicated time to seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. I had just come out of a long term relationship and knew I must have contributed to it’s demise, but honestly couldn’t sort out what my participation was. I was playing the blame game, but a little voice inside (I now call these ‘messages’) whispered I had a role in it.

Chaim SoutineOne of the most pivotal things (of the many pivotal things I learned) was the pure honesty and realization that everything – and I mean EVERYTHING – is about me. My joy or frustration with a situation or person has everything to do with my assessment of it and nothing to do with the other person or situation. Feeling shitty at work? That’s your problem to fix. Don’t like what your spouse said to you? It’s because you have rules built around your expectations.

This is the truth for everyone and everything in your life! If I tell you you’re looking foxy, it’s because I perceive “foxy” as a pre-determined definition of the word. My foxy is not everyone’s foxy. Blonds do nothing for me, be them male or female, but I’m betting some of you (along with our entire US media machine) think people with blond hair are pretty attractive. Anything anyone else perceives or feels about you is their thing, aka none of your business. You are your business, period.

Two things aligned yesterday to remind me that we create our own stories. Not surprisingly as messages tend to come in waves. My girl, gPal over at, ran an article yesterday comparing our emotional health and vitality to a sewer system – a pretty compelling analogy considering we all tend to feel and hold things in our gut. ($20 says the last time you were really nervous, you had to run to the bathroom.) An excerpt reads:

“Just as rural folks don’t depend on a city to handle their waste treatment, we can no longer depend on an external source to take care of our spiritual dirty work either. Full responsibility means putting the emotional waste treatment plant on our own property and asking the hard questions. How did I contribute to this problem? What is it inside of me that is attracting this kind of person or situation? What signals am I giving off to allow myself to be treated this way? This approach lets all the misidentifications and misunderstandings fall to the bottom of our thought processes, all the dense and irrelevant he-said-she-said details, so we can process and neutralize the real toxic energies and/or beliefs from a higher vibration.”

Earlier that day, I had randomly read some text from a book called Council of Light. It speaks to relationships and forgiveness. This is something I’ve been chewing on the last few months, having been estranged from my best friend of 25 years. I love the way they suggest being grateful for the experience. Gratefulness is an excellent tool for getting yourself unstuck when you’re feeling negative, attacked or irritated.

If someone is in your life and they are making you angry, they are bringing up your issues, or you just feel frustrated, then you have a reason to forgive them. Know that they are playing their role perfectly – as are you – and if you follow what you are feeling inside then things become crystal clear. It is when you try to base things on assumptions, guesses, and how you think things should be that relationships get messy. If you say that anything to do with anyone else is not yours, this creates boundaries and parameters in relationships.

And another great reminder from my fave, JayZ…..

“If y’all can’t already see, I ain’t worried ’bout y’all cause I’m already me. Do you already. Enough with the complaining boo-hoos, already.”

So really, it’s not you. It’s “me”.





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